Run.

It's 1:21 am and I should be asleep. But my head spins as I think of the days ahead of me. Decisions, plans, fun.

Pandora is on. "good to sea you" by pinback is playing. The words..................
it's good to see you,
its good to see you go.

are playing on repeat.

it's good to see you,
its good to see you go.

Followed by Foster the people, words repeat

run, better run....

I can't help but think its a sign.

********

Tonight I finished Season 2 of the Walking Dead. Its a zombie show, and before your head spins with judgement and your mouth spurts words of disgust in my general direction, albeit under your breathe. Hear me out. 

On Christmas Eve this past year, my three siblings made me, forced me to watch The Walking Dead, Season 1, Episode 1. I was horrified. And vowed never to watch another episode, but before the end of the night I was on to Episode 3 and then 4. I was hooked, and so were they. They watch this show almost religiously as week after week humans are being eaten and the world seems to be coming closer to an end with every hour that I watch. But I was hooked. Every episode I watch with tense shoulders and a blanket covering my mouth as if to save me from zombie attack out of my television screen. I scream out loud and I cover my eyes. I yell at the characters and my roommates ask my why I continue to watch. But I'm hooked. I cant stop watching. I have recently roped in my roommate and her boyfriend so at least I don't have to watch alone. This helps me feel like the zombies can't get me. 

My siblings and I are very different. Very. Different. But for some reason, we all watch this show about the end of the world. It makes me feel connected to them in some small, strange way. I text them after the show and talk about what happened and see if they know what will happen next. In the midst of feeling like I need to run to escape the impending doom of the end of the world, I watch to feel connected to my family all spread out along the East Coast, the opposite of running. 

Most of the time, running feels good in the moment. But sometimes running doesn't feel good, and even when it feels necessary it doesn't make it the best decision. Sometimes you have to stay and watch the story unfold to feel the most connected. And I feel like that's what we were made for - connections, relationships, staying. 

I tried to be vegetarian

This past weekend, I watched Forks over Knives a riveting documentary about health and Americans. Needless to say, I have been scared meatless. Or so I thought...

I have always been one to respect others views, but no meat? That is just un-Amur-a-kin. Until I saw this movie and my views began to shift. With the recent severe health problems and surgeries my father has been facing, and watching all of our patients come in day and and day out with laundry lists of medications and the inability to walk without assistance at age 45....one has to stop and think about what we are doing to our bodies. The movie promoted a vegan, "all plant" diet. But like  Nicole I could not think about giving up meat AND dairy at the same time (only she actually did). I am not as strong as she is, so I thought I would start with forfeiting meat from my diet and being aware of the amount of dairy that enters my mouth on a daily basis. I am very aware now, that I am really good at having an all meat and dairy diet.

I tried to forego meat, I tried so hard.  But today, one of the patients brought in wings from reading terminal and they are just-sooo-good and I was just SO hungry and thought, "well, one won't hurt anything right?" And then, without thinking, I ordered potato soup for lunch....complete with bacon.

I am trying and I am failing, but I will try again. I will be healthy, even if it kills me.