a mindless post for a heavy week....

I am burdened. This is an understatement. So instead of ranting before properly processing how I am feeling this week, I am going to post my favorite cooking secret that I have ever learned and that came in oh-so-handy last week while making a peanut butter mousse pie...

My roommate Emily is from Michigan...Holland Michigan to be exact. She really likes to bake and she is dutch - just like everyone in Holland Michigan...even adopted children from other countries are considered Dutch (i.e. Nicole - Asian, but Dutch).

Before moving out of Delaware I knew about zero people from the great state of Michigan....or maybe I had encountered one or two and I skipped over them not thinking much of it. When I moved to Colorado, I met 3 Michiganders and thought that was crazy. Then I moved to Philly and it seems like just about everyone I meet is from Michigan. As amazing as that hand-shaped state is, you all seem to be moving pretty far from it by moving here though.. (just a thought).

Anyway, my Michigander roommate taught me the best baking trick ever. Have you ever tried baking with peanut butter? The recipe may call for 1 cup peanut butter, but by the time you have scraped all the PB into the 1 cup and then scraped all the PB out of said measuring cup into the mixing bowl you are likely to be missing at least 1/4 due to PB sticking on the side of cups and on spatulas and in my hair....Well Michigan has brought us all the answer by way of Emily. If you need 1/2 peanut butter, fill a measuring cup up to 1/2 with water and then add the peanut butter until the water reaches 1 cup, drain water and MAGIC! You are left with 1/2 cup peanut butter and no PB stuck to the side. To demonstrate I took pictures of my baking experience last week.....please see below and be amazed. 

measuring out 1 cup peanut butter (1 cup water, 1 cup PB)

drained water, pb in mixing bowl and measuring cup almost all clean! I didn't even use a spatula

finished product, it was wonderful.

thoughts on crying, strangers and ethiopia

Before 2008 when I moved to Philadelphia, I never cried. Never. I mean it. I could count the number of times I cried in high school on one hand.  Okay let me rephrase that, I could count the number of times another human being saw me cry on one hand.  But I moved to Denver, and I grew up in many ways, both big and small. Then I moved back East, thinking I left the West behind. But unbeknownst to me, the west must have gotten into my soul in a way that unleashed the waterworks of my eyeballs. I started to cry in 2008 and I just don't think I ever stopped.

I have a tendency to cry at the most inopportune moments - like on the bus  where it is quiet and full of strangers, in front of boys who become paralyzed with fear and anxiety when they see the welling up of a girls eyes, while wearing make-up, and at work.  

There is something exposing about crying, because at least when I cry I know it is not pretty and I tend to say things I don't mean. Picture this...my mouth turns downward and the cheeks wrinkle towards my ears, tears stream and the make up runs with it, my voice starts to get really high-pitched and then all my words start to run together to form one-giant-run-on-sentence. I see the look on people faces, the look of utter concern and utter shock that my face could distort in that way. In order to break the tension and awkwardness of the situation, I begin to talk and say exactly whats on my mind, throwing "appropriate conversation etiquette" right out the window.

Over the years, I have realized that I tend to exaggerate things...including the way I describe my levels of crying. This past summer, I was talking to a friend and I while I was recounting a story I used the phrase "I started to sob" (using hand motions and all). He stopped, looked at me and said "Sob? Like really sob? Or were you just welling? Were there even tears? I think you need to work on your vocabulary". Ever since this conversation I have categorized my tears into: welling, tearing, crying, and sobbing.  This has really improved my story-telling skills, of which I need little improvement but I guess we can all work on life skills. 

On thursday this week, I was at work and having a pretty rough day. There were several moments that I checked my phone waiting for my Mom to call and give me an update on my father's doctors appointment and status of his surgery. My heart would race every time my phone blinked, beeped or someone called. All day - I welled. 

I went into exam room 5 at one point in the afternoon and was so deep in thought that I didn't notice who the 2 people in the room were. I set up the computer and was in the middle of wiping down the slit lamp, when the husband looks at me, smiles, and says "hello" in a tone of recognition and familiarity that caught me off guard. I looked at him and was equally caught off guard by who it was, a patient who was from Ethiopia.  He and his wife came here to have a surgery done. We met about 3-4 months ago and I talked to them at length about their work - missionaries in their home country. 

The husband looked at me and spoke in a manner that I couldn't help but think of Rafiki from the Lion King. He smiled and asked if I had given any more thought to the mission field and I simply replied I have, I'm in it. 

We spoke even more briefly about my father and the wife felt urgency to pray, and so, because I am obliging to patients, we prayed. She shut the door, I closed my eyes and she began. As she spoke, welling happened, and then tears and then sobs. The beauty of prayer from someone who feels the spirit and knows Him intimately is one that leaves an impression on the heart. They spoke with the peace, knowledge and wisdom of knowing that a great and powerful God is in control. I listened and surrendered to the fact that I am not. 

Sometimes when I am at work, my patients give me hugs before I leave. On Thursday, a day I was upset and discouraged, and on edge I received far more hugs than normal  and prayer from a fellow life missionary.  God is present, but sometimes I like to think all of my life happenings are coincidental or that I had some say in the way my day panned out.  Sometimes I think I have to give name to what is really happening - God is happening all over the place. 

leave

About 5 years ago, I left home.  I packed my things, moved to Colorado and I started this blog. I'm really thankful for this blog because I can look back on my time in the 'rado and remember how I felt when I was away from "all-things-comfortable". So that when I start thinking about going back to "all-things-uncomfortable" I can either get really terrified or really excited (depending on the day, hour or minute). I was looking back on a post from 2007 when I first moved out west, and I quoted Donald Miller because it was relevant to my life (having just left home)....as I re read it tonight, it feels relevant again, like I was supposed to read it again on this night, with this mood, and this mindset.....it feels alive to me again but in a very different way. Here is the quote I am referring to:
"It is interesting how you sometimes have to leave home before you can ask difficult questions, how the questions never come up in the bedroom you grew up in, in the town in which you were born. It’s funny how you can’t ask difficult questions in a familiar place, how you have to stand back a few feet and see things in a new way before you realize nothing that is happening to you is normal
The trouble with you and me is we are used to what is happening to us...........


We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn’t it?
It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you.

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn’t it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don’t worry. Everything will be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."

~Through Painted Deserts, Donald Miller

It makes my heart leap and sink when I think about leaving Philadelphia. To think about what I have done, and all I have accomplished; the friends I have made from then until now. But that yearning to leave is still there...on the tip of my tongue, tugging on my heart strings, hanging on every thought. I wonder if it's because I am naturally a wanderer. If I will ever be satisfied. Sometimes I think the word "stay" is a harder concept for me to grasp when so many others love it and just roll around in it until their hands get all pruny.

I have stayed in Philadelphia for 3.5 years now. I have tried out "staying" and I think it fits me. But, ironically enough, the feeling of  "leave" never quite exits my mind and heart.  For now I am here and I am content because like most Christians the point is to be content where you are, right?  Find fulfillment in Christ and the rest will follow suit. I just always questions why then, am I always leaving...

blue to the berry

On Saturday I was in Binghamton with my Annie Bannanie. We went blueberry picking for the first time ever!! It was SO wonderful to just stop and slow down long enough to eat blueberries and raspberries (even though we weren't supposed to) right off the branches! Life the way its meant to be lived!

I had only one problem afterward....I had SO MANY blueberries! I got back to Philly and thought to myself...I always complain I can't cook/bake, so I went at it. Here is what happened when i had a lot of blueberries, a little bit of motivation and an empty house.....enjoy :)

music for my soul

The Weepies have a special place in my heart. They are and will always be my go-to music. Whenever I listen to old albums I start to reminisce about college. Road trips, lazy study days, cooking in the kicthen, cleaning our entire house and bonding moments with my best friend Hales. Recently we got to go to see the Weepies in concert at World Cafe Live. We are both out of college, working full time jobs in a new city very different from Newark, and she brought her husband along. Standing one row from the stage next to all the girls making out (it was very strange) I couldn't help but think how much has changed in our lives but how much Deb and Steve still connect us and make us happy.

So now I turn on their new music and although its new, their voices bring a sort of familiarity that makes me so happy. So I sit at work and I listen to the Weepies and just smile, sing more loudly than appropriate in a work type setting and find myself in another world. It just makes me so happy.

Today I listened to "Slow Pony Home" on repeat....but some of my other favorites include All This Beauty, Be My Thrill and Simple Life.

If you like to know my heart and soul...listen to those songs. I know that is a scary invitation, but it will be worth it, I promise.

Happy Flag Day!

heat wave....

Today is my "late day" at work. Which means I arrive at 10:30 and leave at 7:00pm. I am used to riding my bike to work around 7:45am which is nice because the heat hasn't had time to become oppressive.

Today I rode my bike around 10:15am and I wanted to die. I will never complain about being cold again. I actually really enjoy the cold weather, and unless its bone chilling, hypothermia cant get warm cold and I have on a bathing suit...I probably won't complain about it. I will simply grab a blanket. The heat makes me want to run around naked. Which apparently is "inappropriate".  I got to work and naturally, the first thing I did was look at record temp highs for Philadelphia. And what do ya know...this is what I discovered.

The best part about this is that Philly is supposed to reach 99 degrees today....breaking the record high from 1933. Congratulations Philly, my deodorant stopped working 15 degrees ago and I look like I just stepped out of the pool. I sure look attractive and my smell is out of this world.

puppy!

BEST PICTURE EVER!!

today i am......

...listening to Bloodstream by Stateless...over and over and over and over................

...anxious for tonight

...thinking about buying a new bike with a lil help from my friends.. (ariel)

...feeling blessed by prayer this morning with my girls

...excited about this weekend

I will wait for you.........

Who done it?!

LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!! This absolutely MADE my Saturday. As I was spring cleaning the whole house the nice little post man delivered this to my doorstep. SO THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

 Whoever you are :)

Keep calm...

I need this somewhere in my house/room/office/life. I love this.

I read it and I have seen it in Jojos kitchen and I have always been curious about it..so I read up on it...this is what I discovered about my new favorite slogan:

Orginally made in 1939 by the British. The poster was third in a series of three. The previous two posters from the series, "Your Courage, Your Cheerfulness, Your Resolution Will Bring Us Victory" (800,000 printed) and "Freedom is in Peril" (400,000 printed) were issued and used across the country for motivational purposes, as the Ministry of Information assumed that the events of the first weeks of the war would demoralise the population. Planning for the posters started in April 1939; by June designs were prepared, and by August 1939, they were on their way to the printers, to be placed up within 24 hours of the outbreak of war. The posters were designed to have a uniform device, be a design associated with the Ministry of Information, and have a unique and recognisable lettering, with a message from the King to his people.

I just love history! Now who wants to buy me the poster?

...and we pray

A friend of mine, Esther, sent me this email from her pastor yesterday. I read it this morning and was completely moved and aware of how much we need to pray.

I copy and pasted the email below so you could be aware of whats going on in Japan as well. It's times like these that I feel so helpless and so unaware and so...we pray.

*******************************************************************

Geoff Bradford posted a prayer entitled "How to Pray for Japan -- From Danielle (formerly Guevara)" in the group Site Group:


Danielle & Matthias sent this to me--thought I'd pass it along. She was a liberti missionary for several years in Japan...

Dearest Friends,

Matthias and I really wish we could be in Japan right now. Oh, that God will use this suffering to draw millions of Japanese to Himself! I used to live in Sendai, the city closest to the epicenter and am still waiting to hear back from church friends and former English students. I used to teach an English class 3km from the shore where the tsunami hit and donot know if the students are okay.

We didn't know if beloved missionary friends in Sendai, Cal and Edie Cummings, were okay until late last night. Their daughter wrote,"After trying every couple minutes for about 17hrs, my brother Luke was finally able to get through to my parents on their landline. They have no water, gas, or electricity, but they are alive and their house is still standing. Their whole neighborhood is fine. They live far enough inland (8mi) that they did not get any flooding." The daughter of other missionary friends in Sendai writes, "Par ents' house and possessions destroyed."

This might be a helpful list of how to pray for Japan right now. Part of it comes from a message I received it from the PCA missions group, Mission to the World.

Love and comfort for grieving families

Rescue for those who may be trapped/ buried alive

Safety from aftershocks, which have been quite large

Shelter for those whose homes are destroyed

Wisdom and clarity for response of Christians in Japan

Open doors for Christians in Japan to share the gospel

Restoration of power and communication

To give some background to the spiritual condition of the area hardest hit:

The areas affected by the earthquake and tsunamis of Miyagi, Fukushima, and Ibaraki are some of the most spiritually needy places in Japan. With over 4.9 million people yet only about 9,000 active Christians (about 0.15%). Fukushima has the lowest average worship attendance with only 19 per church. There are one city and 44 towns with no church. There are 86 missionaries assigned to these prefectures.

One town in Ibaraki has over 46,000 people with no church and several others have over 24,000 people with no churches. Average attendance for all the churches in Japan is the lowest in Fukushima prefecture. Ibaraki prefecture has the least number of people claiming to have any religious beliefs. (Sources: CIS News 12/2012, JEMA Directory 2010)

Here is a clip from my former team leader, Michael Oh:

"Over the years I've often described our mission in Japan as praying and preparing toward the day of opportunity in Japan. In the back of my mind I've often thought of the possibility of great suffering being a part of the opening of the heart of the great nation of Japan. A massive earthquake or a nuclear missile from North Korea topped the list of possible devastating ways the Lord might awaken that nation that I love. This, perhaps, could be one of the ways the Lord pierces the darkness of Japan with His light (John 1:5)

Japan is the largest unreached nation in the world. In Japan they are reporting upwards of 1100 dead so far. Again, it is very possible that that number will multiply 10 fold. But every 11 days an equal number of Japanese (1100) take their own lives. In hopelessness they turn to suicide."

Mission to the World Japan team leader, Rev. Dan Iverson adds:

1100 killed= 12 day total of suicides in Japan

To put the spiritual darkness of Japan in perspective, Japan averages about 90 suicides per day. It is so sad that already 1100 people appear to have died in the earthquake/tsunami and that is making world-wide news. It needs to also break our heart that this very rich country is really so spiritually impoverished, with so many with no hope. But if indeed 1100 are dead from the killer earthquake, we need to also remember that a normal 12 days in Japan brings about this many suicides. But it does not make CNN news.

An exciting thought is that perhaps in these days there are more prayers being prayed for Japan throughout the world than at any time in the history of the world. What purposes could God have both in this tragedy and in the active response of the Church of Jesus Christ?

So please do pray. Pray not only for the physical life and well-being of the Japanese but for their spiritual salvation. And may the prayers of Christians around the world be used not only to bring the comfort of Christ to Japan but also as a prayer tsunami to break the powerful dams of the rock-hard hearts of the Japanese.

I'm a math atheist too, Calvin

Office Space

So most of us spend a lot of time in our offices. As a counselor, it is really important to have a calm, welcoming, soothing environment. Since I am not a calm, welcoming or soothing person, I needed to work really hard to make my office display these characteristics.  To celebrate my 8 month anniversary at PIT, I have decided to post pictures of my office space, a "then-and-now" if you will. I would like to note the lamp in the corner cannot be used because I would need a desk lamp in order to see anything in my office (if anyone has one, I will gladly take it off your hands). Also, I asked if I bought the paint if I could paint my office when I moved in. The office manager said no, but you can buy two posters and hang them up wherever you like! So really it's like the same thing.

And yes, that is a microwave on the ground under the double trash cans.

Tomorrow I'll take pictures of Tim's office and you can compare and contrast the two very different counseling environments :)  Enjoy.

Phat Tuesday

I'll be there. So should you.

Six cavities, maybe seven

Went to the dentist this morning for the first time in nearly 3 years. This is because for 3 years I didn't have dental insurance. I have never been scared of the dentist...even with the run-in with Dr. Quinn when I was about 6 (traumatic). Whenever I get cleanings, I'm in and out, fast as lightening, I wear my free sticker with pride with my head held high. But not today. My dentist pretty much slapped my with her drill, made me cry and declared I had 6 maybe 7 cavities to the 3 dental assistants sitting around watching...it was awful, I walked out stickerless with my head down.

I will leave you with this quote from my devotional this morning..
"When all is said and done, the life of faith is nothing if not an unending struggle of the spirit with every available weapon against the flesh." -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Sexual Violence in the Peace Corps

Having more than one close tie to the peace corp, this shook me to the bones...more people need to know.


Sexual Violence in the Peace Corps

Every day I get one step closer to starting to write the book that will change your life.

 I just don't know where to begin....but I know God won't kill me off until I finish it. So the longer I put it off the longer i live!! or something like that

Beauty Queen

My friend Kayla, competed in the Miss America pagent this past weekend. I went to high school with Kayla and there has been all sorts of buzz about the fact that she's bald...I found this video of her on 20/20 and HAD to share it because I think Kayla shares a great message and because 20/20 is my favorite!!!

Congrats on making it as far as you did Kayla!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6WQGrmPiOM

perspectives

I have been having dinner with people I don't normally see this week. I think when you don't see someone for a long time you realize that when you see each other your conversation should be rich and deep because you don't know when you will see each other again; and because so much has happened since the last time you saw that person.

I like seeing old friends because it reminds me of how much God has been working in my life and in others, of how much I have changed and how many things in my life have changed; some good, some bad. I love eating good food and listening to a person talk about their life from their perspective, it is honestly one of my favorite things.

This week while I was participating in my favorite activity of eating and talking, a friend said something that has really stuck with me all week.. "you can't follow a Christian who follows Christ, you have to just follow Christ" While you should learn from other Christians, follow their years of wisdom and education, following them or pouring over every single word their say or write is dangerous. Because, to put it bluntly, they will be wrong at some point, you need to learn what your faith is. You need to know what the Bible says.

I'm learning this. Many times I don't want to do the hard work. I don't want to research, I don't want to read multiple sources, I don't want to read Leviticus. But I have to, but I need to know what Christ says, not what Tim Keller or Francis Chan or Matt Chandler say about Christ. I need to be grounded in Him first and grow from other perspectives after.

ryan adams on repeat

Ryan Adams melts my heart. Really and truly. I have been listening to him on repeat this week and there are two songs I'm obsessing over...Two and Desire.

Here are some excerpts from my new obsessions...

"TWO"
And i'm fractured from the fall
And i wanna go home
But it takes two when it used to take one
It takes two when it used to take only one

"DESIRE"
You know me. You don't mind waiting.
You just can't show me, but God I'm praying,
That you'll find me, and that you'll see me
That you run and never tire.
Desire

If I had Ryan Adams and Deb Talan singing me to sleep every night for the rest of my life I could die a happy person.

Merry Christmas

i know its long, but so impressive!!!!


BIG BANG BIG BOOM - the new wall-painted animation by BLU from blu on Vimeo.


(thats what she said?)

its cold out. wear a coat!

December 21 marks the first day of winter. So I would like to know why when I woke up this morning, on December 8, the temperature on the ever so accurate weather.com read "27 degrees".  I have been holding off getting my winter coat out until it was officially winter but this is getting ridiculous. I'm cold. I had to do it. This morning I went in my basement and found my winter coat.  It's AMAZING how much warmer I was in a winter coat....and my red and white mittens of course.

I do love this time of year because of the season (see below post) but also to see the kind of bundling people come up with! It's amazing to see the kind of lengths people will go to to stay warm..its always funny to watch a grown person waddling due to excessive layers.

For now, I leave you with the best video I have seen in a while. Mainly because it reminds me of when my friends and I go out to Plough and Stars...two of the people are literally doing the same move that I thought Sarah Pisano created...how wrong was i?!