Thursday, October 17, 2013


I am a creature of habit. I don't like change and I really hate when I have no control of the change around me. I know this is not a sexy characteristic, so I hide it the best I know how in front of strangers and new friends...but my old friends know I hate change. I like rhythms, familiarity, that feeling of being comfortable. Gosh, it makes me shudder just thinking about how unadventurous I actually am. The cats out of the bag, I suppose.

There are some serious repercussions of my unadventurous spirit, and some not-so-serious ones.

Not so serious:
Trying new things is really hard and anxiety producing. I talk a lot about the things I want to do, learn, accomplish. But I don't take that leap. There are a couple reasons for this.
  • One: I am not naturally talented, so when I learn things for the first time I look foolish. I don't like looking foolish, obviously.
  • Two: Some times some of my grandiose ideas cost a lot of money. Social workers don't typically make a lot of the green. And I have googled how much those silly rock walls cost for one lesson...and don't get me start on how much it cost to learn how to fly a plane.
  • Three: I am an extrovert. I like doing things with others, but I don't like looking foolish in front of others. I would like to do new things with others. I look foolish when I try new things. I don't try new things in front of others. So I don't try new things. And so on, and so forth.
A little more serious:
I get really sad when there is change in my social circle. People are constantly leaving me in Philadelphia. Which is funny, because I use to threaten all the people of Philadelphia I would leave you first. But I digress. This is a problem because they are no longer part of my routine and instead of thinking of the great things they are going on to, I am selfishly thinking about how they are not part of my daily rhythm and it makes me sad. It is change.

Being comfortable changing thought patterns or negative behaviors (sin) is something I have struggled with for years. When you don't like change, it makes it really hard for the Lord to work in your life to change you and shape your spirit to resemble one more like Jesus. This could also be classified under stubborn, prideful, blind, etc etc.

 I will never forget a life changing moment at Urbana in St. Louis in 2006.  Brenda Salter McNeil (gosh, I really love her) got up and started preaching. That woman was on FIRE with passion. She repeated over and over, "Never settle, because where you settle, you will die". I think in a lot of ways, when we get scared of change, when I push against heart changes that need to happen, when I become lazy instead of picking up a new hobby - I am settling. This is a scary thought because being stagnate causes death, maybe not always physically but definitely emotionally and spiritually.

Instead of being paralyzed with fear of change, I decided to take a step tonight. Just like so long ago in 2006 when I stepped on a mountain for the first time in Colorado and decided to give this whole "snowboarding thing a whirl" (see my first time out with a couple of my patient friends who I looked VERY foolish in front of as it took my 4 hours to get down the mountain the first time)
After I conquered my fear of snowboarding, I even decided to jump out of a plane a couple days later.
It was totally worth looking foolish.
Over the years, I have gotten much better about enduring and even embracing changes such as letting my friends leave me in Philadelphia. My selfishness has dwindled and I have matured (somewhat) in this area. I have started new and big things that have been really scary and then I realize, that was because Jesus' hand was in it. It wasn't from me, it wasn't about me.
There have been, however, many other things I have talked about starting, learning, accomplishing that I have not done anything about. This list includes, but is not limited to, learning the guitar, going to more concerts, learning to crochet, learning how to rock climb, learning how to fly a plane, going kayaking at least once a year, going to a play/symphony during that rush period an hour before, competing in a Tri, visiting California, taking more hip hop classes, trying yoga, taking real pictures, the list (seriously) goes on and on....
So tonight, I bought a ticket to a concert to see one of my favorite bands: The Lone Bellow coming in November to Philadelphia AND........I did this.
Well on my way to not being scared to mess up. Preparing to embrace the foolish look.
Life is too short.


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