silence is my enemy. its in the silence that my head begins to reel. but tonight i sat in it, i soaked it in. i let my thoughts run and flip inside my head.
as i biked home tonight from a long shift at starbucks, it felt like the city was sleeping. it was only 11pm on a sunday night, but Philadelphia was quiet and calm. silence. it was the kind of quiet when you can actually hear the click of the stop lights switch from red to green.
i sat at a red light, and waited for the click.
click.
i didn't move my feet, instead i looked down and saw an overflowing bag of free starbucks food and a dominos box. i was overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation.
***
A couple nights ago, I was talking to some friends about wanting pizza. All I wanted in the world for my free Saturday night was a pizza, a movie and my very terrible attempt at crocheting. In my head, my happiness would only happen if I had Dominos in hand, the best gluten free pizza in Philadelphia - trust me. But I thought about being responsible, and less impulsive and self gratifying and I passed on the g-free slice of heaven, and it was shocking - but I did survive.
I woke up late this morning and headed to New Jersey to meet up with some old friends I used to work with at Wills Eye. We laughed and ran in to corn stalks and away from bees, there was not a cloud in the sky, but there was sun on my face and a fullness in my heart. I was with dear friends who, when I think about them, I get this feeling that can only be described as "warm and fuzzy". I don't know what a fuzzy feeling should feel like, but I know I feel it when I think about these women and their families.
I came home, walked in the door and my mood went from pure bliss to a 5 year-old whiner in a matter of seconds. I had to park half way down the block and I had to work at my second job and I was missing my Sunday night Walking Dead night at a friends house.. Mind you, my legs work fine, so the parking situation was not a big deal and the job is truly a blessing. A blessing I should be overly grateful for, but instead I complain about it with every breath for 2 hours before I go in.
My roommate Lindsey and I were talking about something important to me when I felt like she was being insensitive and I shut down. In hindsight, I was just whining and in a pissy mood for going in to work on a sunday, and taking it out on poor Lindsey (who was already suffering because she had to watch the Eagles terrible loss - read: embarrassing loss). Instead of shutting down as well, she stood up danced in front of me until I couldn't stand it any longer and I had to laugh. She always does that - turns my moods around, even if its her I am mad at - I can't stay mad for long. She doesn't let me sit in my negativity. Life is too short for anyone to sit in negativity, and she won't allow it. For that, I am so grateful for her and for her spirit and the fact I get the privilege of living with her.
We laughed, the Eagles lost, and she even gave me her soup for dinner. I was well on my way to having a better night..
I went in to work, barely making it in on time. In therapy, when your clients don't show up on time repeatedly, it means they don't want to be there. Every time I go into work, I realize I don't want to be there when I clock in with seconds to spare before I am considered "late". They threw me on bar, making drink after drink, the line winding around the store. I was overwhelmed but handling it as long as I kept tunnel vision. I heard a couple customers say "excuse me" but I ignored them, I was scared they might actually need something. Out of sight, out of mind.
I had been at this pace for about 2 hours when I heard "excuse me", but I was still ignoring those words. The man said "umm, Carolyn?" I looked up and saw a Dominos delivery man staring at me. I put down the 3485th pumpkin spice latte I had made that evening and stared at the delivery man, who in turn, stared back at me.
"Carolyn?"
"Yes, I'm Carolyn"
"I have your pizza"
"I didn't order a pizza"
"But I have a pizza for Carolyn"
"But I didn't order a pizza"
"Are you Carolyn?"
"Yes, but I didn't order a pizza, do I need to give you money?"
"No. Paid"
...tears ensued. my shift let me take a break.
It was so nice. My friends bought me pizza. And my favorite kind, Dominos Gluten Free Hawaiian, if you were wondering.
I was so happy.
I was biking home after work and I looked at the pizza box and all the left over salads work was throwing away (which means lunch and dinner for me tomorrow) and I was so overwhelmed. I thought about my roommate, and my friends and my church, my sleeping city. I thought about my lack of hunger, and the glorious morning I spent basking in the sunlight on a hayride with people I love so deeply. I thought about my friends who completed their adoption with their son just 2 days prior, and my friends who recently got married, as well as some who will get married soon. I thought about my family and how blessed I am to have parents who call me so often, just because. I thought about the kids I get to serve at Create every single Wednesday who trust me enough to hug me every time they see me.
I feel so lucky.
I pray often; but tonight, I am praising like I should do more often. I am rolling around the word blessings, sitting in reality of the vast amount I have in my life. I have so much, I feel so full in heart and in life. Things aren't always perfect, and life doesn't always look the way I want it to, but God is present in the good and the bad. He has blessed with me friends I can talk to honestly and I know they will listen and not judge me. I take many things for granted, but tonight I have a thankful heart. Thankful for such good friends and amazing community.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. seriously ya'll.
as i biked home tonight from a long shift at starbucks, it felt like the city was sleeping. it was only 11pm on a sunday night, but Philadelphia was quiet and calm. silence. it was the kind of quiet when you can actually hear the click of the stop lights switch from red to green.
i sat at a red light, and waited for the click.
click.
i didn't move my feet, instead i looked down and saw an overflowing bag of free starbucks food and a dominos box. i was overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation.
***
A couple nights ago, I was talking to some friends about wanting pizza. All I wanted in the world for my free Saturday night was a pizza, a movie and my very terrible attempt at crocheting. In my head, my happiness would only happen if I had Dominos in hand, the best gluten free pizza in Philadelphia - trust me. But I thought about being responsible, and less impulsive and self gratifying and I passed on the g-free slice of heaven, and it was shocking - but I did survive.
I woke up late this morning and headed to New Jersey to meet up with some old friends I used to work with at Wills Eye. We laughed and ran in to corn stalks and away from bees, there was not a cloud in the sky, but there was sun on my face and a fullness in my heart. I was with dear friends who, when I think about them, I get this feeling that can only be described as "warm and fuzzy". I don't know what a fuzzy feeling should feel like, but I know I feel it when I think about these women and their families.
I came home, walked in the door and my mood went from pure bliss to a 5 year-old whiner in a matter of seconds. I had to park half way down the block and I had to work at my second job and I was missing my Sunday night Walking Dead night at a friends house.. Mind you, my legs work fine, so the parking situation was not a big deal and the job is truly a blessing. A blessing I should be overly grateful for, but instead I complain about it with every breath for 2 hours before I go in.
My roommate Lindsey and I were talking about something important to me when I felt like she was being insensitive and I shut down. In hindsight, I was just whining and in a pissy mood for going in to work on a sunday, and taking it out on poor Lindsey (who was already suffering because she had to watch the Eagles terrible loss - read: embarrassing loss). Instead of shutting down as well, she stood up danced in front of me until I couldn't stand it any longer and I had to laugh. She always does that - turns my moods around, even if its her I am mad at - I can't stay mad for long. She doesn't let me sit in my negativity. Life is too short for anyone to sit in negativity, and she won't allow it. For that, I am so grateful for her and for her spirit and the fact I get the privilege of living with her.
We laughed, the Eagles lost, and she even gave me her soup for dinner. I was well on my way to having a better night..
I went in to work, barely making it in on time. In therapy, when your clients don't show up on time repeatedly, it means they don't want to be there. Every time I go into work, I realize I don't want to be there when I clock in with seconds to spare before I am considered "late". They threw me on bar, making drink after drink, the line winding around the store. I was overwhelmed but handling it as long as I kept tunnel vision. I heard a couple customers say "excuse me" but I ignored them, I was scared they might actually need something. Out of sight, out of mind.
I had been at this pace for about 2 hours when I heard "excuse me", but I was still ignoring those words. The man said "umm, Carolyn?" I looked up and saw a Dominos delivery man staring at me. I put down the 3485th pumpkin spice latte I had made that evening and stared at the delivery man, who in turn, stared back at me.
"Carolyn?"
"Yes, I'm Carolyn"
"I have your pizza"
"I didn't order a pizza"
"But I have a pizza for Carolyn"
"But I didn't order a pizza"
"Are you Carolyn?"
"Yes, but I didn't order a pizza, do I need to give you money?"
"No. Paid"
...tears ensued. my shift let me take a break.
It was so nice. My friends bought me pizza. And my favorite kind, Dominos Gluten Free Hawaiian, if you were wondering.
I was so happy.
I was biking home after work and I looked at the pizza box and all the left over salads work was throwing away (which means lunch and dinner for me tomorrow) and I was so overwhelmed. I thought about my roommate, and my friends and my church, my sleeping city. I thought about my lack of hunger, and the glorious morning I spent basking in the sunlight on a hayride with people I love so deeply. I thought about my friends who completed their adoption with their son just 2 days prior, and my friends who recently got married, as well as some who will get married soon. I thought about my family and how blessed I am to have parents who call me so often, just because. I thought about the kids I get to serve at Create every single Wednesday who trust me enough to hug me every time they see me.
I feel so lucky.
I pray often; but tonight, I am praising like I should do more often. I am rolling around the word blessings, sitting in reality of the vast amount I have in my life. I have so much, I feel so full in heart and in life. Things aren't always perfect, and life doesn't always look the way I want it to, but God is present in the good and the bad. He has blessed with me friends I can talk to honestly and I know they will listen and not judge me. I take many things for granted, but tonight I have a thankful heart. Thankful for such good friends and amazing community.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. seriously ya'll.
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